Monkey Math

How to add up to zero

So a monkey was admiring his stack of one hundred bananas at the end of the work week. He had risked his life all week long braving the dangers of the jungle, snakes, leopards, and such to build up the big stack for him and his family.

He then gets a knock on the door.

“Knock knock knock”, the short quick reports had the sound of urgency.

The monkey answered the door.

“Hello and good day to you Sir. How may I assist you?” the monkey queried.

The short little pig standing before him was nearly as wide as he was tall. The pig in a grand voice said, “ I am here to make sure you do your duty to support the citizens of the jungle. All citizens in an effort to do general undefined good for the public must pay one third of their product to the protectorate of the jungle. You must now show me how many bananas you have brought in and count out the appropriate amount to me and pay for your existence in our jungle. Count carefully because if you make an error there will be consequences.”

So the monkey just wanting to get along didn’t argue. He went and count out thirty four of his one hundred bananas and handed them over the to pig. He was alright though. He still had sixty-six left. He was standing feeling grateful for his bananas savings when came another knock on the door.

“Knock Knock Knock”

The monkey answered, “Good day to you Sir how may I be of assistance?”

A smaller monkey with spectacles greeted him with a smile. I am here to collect your portion of the regional maintenance fees for our valley in the jungle. Don’t worry, it is not much… only ten percent of what you brought in this season. It is for the good of the valley you know. We are always out there looking out for our jungle friends.”

“So is this ten percent of what I have?” the monkey queried.

“On no citizen!” the small monkey chuckled the innocence of the question.

“This would be the percent of what you brought in for the season. No more no less. It is a very fair cost for all the services we provide you with.” the little monkey replied.

So the laborer monkey went and counted out another ten bananas for the agent and paid him. This left him with fifty-six bananas.

His consternation was rising but he pushed it down and thought how lucky he was to have the bananas he still had. He headed off to bed and dreamed of pigs eating bananas.

He woke the next day to the knock of the door once again.

“Hello there, I am with your immediate grand tree council here collecting the yearly taxes for you spot in and around our tree. Someone has to pay for all the services we provide you with and it is just a small fee.”

What a way to start the day. The monkey shook off his rising anger and asked how much the fee was.

The large chameleon said, “Oh, there is no set fee. It all depends on how much space you take up and whether or not that space is good space or not. Good space has a higher rate than bad space, just so you know. We want to be honest and fair and good in all our dealings with you. It is important to be good you know.”

The chameleon continued, “I will quickly run around your place and tell you if you have good space or not.”

He quickly ran around the area where the monkey lived looked at everything the monkey had done to improve his living conditions and came back with his findings.

“Oh my! You have a very nice area!”

The monkey felt some pride as he had worked hard to make his home the best he could and he had taught his family to do the same.

“Thank you”, the monkey replied.

“Ok, down to business. Your place is so much nicer than the other places around this tree that you qualify for the highest rate. You get to help out our small community at the highest level. This is a great honor for you.” said the smiling monkey.

“For this honor you need to provide twenty bananas.”

The monkeys wide shoulders and smile slipped away into slumped shoulders and a frown. But this was the will of his neighbors and they were “good”, so how could he argue?

So now he was down to thirty-six bananas. He might need to go out and find more bananas at this rate.

“Knock knock knock!”

“Oh no.” the monkey thought. What now?

“Hello there! I am your local insurance agent. Did you know that for the good of the region a law was enacted that you must have insurance if you are going to move around the jungle in any fashion? This is in your benefit really. You see sometimes citizens fall out of trees and injure themselves and need help recovering. And sometimes those citizens land on the citizens that stay on the jungle floor. As not every one is as wealthy as those that can reach the higher branches a good scaling effort has been applied to make it fair for everyone. So do you go high into the canopy to get your bananas?”

So the monkey doled out another twenty bananas for insurance. After all he was privileged to be able to get to the higher branches. So now he was down to sixteen bananas.

He and his wife and three sons sat around the table and ate meagerly to make the bananas last longer.

The monkeys wife brought up the fact that there was a new program now for single and divorced female monkeys. They would get a guaranteed thirty three bananas from the state to help them live if they were single and unemployed.

The next day another pig came knocking.

“We need to conscript your three sons for the war effort against the neighboring valley. They are not “good”, and we are. So there is about to be a battle. Don’t worry though. If two of your sons are killed we will send the other one home. That is only fair and “good.”

The next day, the monkeys wife divorced him because of letting the sons go so easily and not bringing in enough bananas. And the citizens of the valley being “good” as they were paid her thirty three bananas. And the monkey was forced to pay her half of the bananas he had left.

Another week down the road, the monkey sat in his empty home and stared at his last banana. He had just received word that two of his sons were lost in combat and the third was being transferred home when their caravan was attacked and all members killed.

A toucan flew in and deftly grabbed half the banana. The monkey momentarily thought about defending his property but realized that the law made it illegal for him to do so. He would be punished for defending his last bit of property, his last bit of life.

The monkey thought, “How did this happen? I have always been ‘good’.”